*The FTR TV network is midway through airing some random house show. It's about 1:30 AM, and all of five people might be watching if Hogan-Albert didn't put them to sleep. As the camera "fades" to commercial,we instead see a familiar house, not unlike a certain unnamed children's show. From the door walks General Jeffrey Jarrett, wearing a casual grey suit as he walks to his closet. As the logo "General Jarrett's Neighborhood" flashes onscreen, he starts singing...*
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you be mine? Could you be mine?"
*By now, Jeff has changed from his sport coat to a red zip-up cardigan. Smiling widely, he sits down to change his dress shoes for white sneakers, still singing.*
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you be, could you be, won't you be my neighbor? Won't you be, could you be, won't you be my neighbor?
"Hello, boys and girls! We've got a lot to talk about today. Why? Because it's the special Mail Day here in my neighborhood! Today, we're answering letters from many of you nice boys and girls in the FTR community.
"Mr. McGreenly dropped off this nice big pile of letters, so let's get started!"
Dear General Jarrett,
You're my biggest, bestest, favoritest hero in the world! I think you're the best Iron Man Champ ever! And your shows really help me learn useful and important life lessons, like not to be violent except when someone is really annoying or mean!
Having said that, I have a question. How did you win a match? I'm struggling in that area. What's your tip.
Your fan,
Dustin Runnels
"Well, little Dusty, it is hard to win matches at first. Why, I lost to Konnan in one of my first FTR match! And, let's face it, Konnan sucks. So how did I go from a loser to being able to have my own TV show and the Iron Man title?
"Simple. Anger someone who's really important and powerful, like the Undertaker. Pull out a few fluke wins. Rinse. Repeat. Hey, it got me this far, it can help you too! Dusty, find someone who has a big title, but probably not US, and make them mad! REALLY mad! Then pin them a few times! Voila! You're an FTR hero, and you can win anything. Just trust me here.
"Now, here's another letter."
dEar JarrETt,
COOKIE! CoOkIe! cOOkie! CookIe! COOKIE! ME WANT MORE COOKIE! COOKIE FOR YOU! COOKIE FOR ME! COOKIE FOR WHOLE FAMILY! Except Michael Cole. He get no cookie! I win!
Cookie lover,
Paul Wight
p.s.: Cookies are good
"You're absolutely right, Paulie! Cookies are perhaps the most delicious food known to man. Invented in 445 by Inca chief King Ferdinand McCookie, this round and cakey sweetened discs are sure to delight even the hungriest of giants!
"However, you need to share your cookies. Otherwise, someone might get mad at you. They might even make you, shall we say, toss your cookies. So, share. Even with Michael Cole.
"Here's another precious letter from a fan!"
Jarrett,
I have your title.
Ed.
"Well Edward, you actually do not have my title. Right now, it is in an undisclosed location like the One Man Army HQ...I mean, uh, I don't know where it is. So don't claim you have it. Or I'll stop you. Yeah, that's the ticket, I'll stop you!
"Wow, lookie here, a letter from England! Who could that be?
Hey sexy,
I love you. I really, really do. I want to-
"Umm...we'll just skip ahead..."
...and that's just in my bedroom! Think about it.
Love always,
Ginger XOXO
"Well, that's nice...uh, Ginger, but the General probably doesn't swing your way. At least, if you're a-never mind.
"Here's a hopefully less perverted letter from Mr. IQ! It's probably my next contender!"
General Jarrett,
Nice work thus far. Next week, prepare to face "The Bionic Wrestler" Chris Candido for your third defense.
Good luck,
GeniusIQ
"Wow boys and girls, not only do I compete with an FTR Legend, but a CYBORG FTR legend! I feel so special! I never got to face Candido before, and now I get to do so!
"Chris, I'll be bringing my best at Rampage, and I sure hope you do too! Otherwise, it'll be a really bad beating, instead of me barely winning.
"Well, that's all, boys and girls! See you next week here in my neighborhood!"
*Jarrett smiles and waves as we fade to the General Jarrett's Neighborhood logo...*
