*It's a house show here on FTR TV, and it's one of the best matches seen in years. Ultimo Dragon has made a rare comeback for one night only, and he and Rey Mysterio, Jr., are putting on a cruiserweight clinic. Each man is just giving his all and, ah hell, let's just go to JR.*
Jim Ross: It could be over pretty soon, folks! Ultimo's looking for the Dragonsteiner...wait, Rey's trying to counter with a powerbomb! It looks like-
WE INTERRUPT THIS WRESTLING CLASSIC TO BRING YOU A MESSAGE FROM THE ONE MAN ARMY.
*We fade in to see Jeff Jarrett, wearing a light blue zip up cardigan over a white dress shirt and black tie. He is in fact just walking into a very nice house with an odd train track in the background. Jeff is whistling a tune as he takes a seat and changes his dress shoes to sneakers. Finally, still seated on the steps, he looks into the camera and begins speaking.*
"Hello, boys and girls! Welcome to General Jarrett's Neighborhood! That's right, kids, we're here today on FTR TV to talk with each of you about some really neat things. Do you want to learn about them? I bet you do.
"Today, we're talking about the General's promotion. Can you say 'promotion,' boys and girls? *long, long pause* I KNEW you could! See, a 'promotion' is when the General (that's me) gets a bigger and better job because he worked really hard and did a really good job. Maybe your mommy or daddy or other guardian-type person has gotten one in the past. That is, unless they're Scott Hall and spend all day in a drunken stupor.
"Well, anyways, at last Rampage, I became a Second Star General by pinning a very old person named Randy Savage. Savage is what we grown-ups call 'elderly.' It means too old to do anything useful, so we pretend you're wise and important. It's just a way of being nice to others. You know how to be nice to others, right boys and girls?"
*Ding-dong! The doorbell rings, and General Jarrett gets a surprised and excited look on his face.*
"Wow boys and girls! It's the doorbell! I wonder who that could be..."
*The General gets up and goes to the door. He opens it, revealing...*
Jeff: Why, it's Mr. McGreenly, the mailman here in our neighborhood! Did you bring some mail for us today, Tommy?
"McGreenly" (Aka Tom Green): Yes I did. Here you go, we have two letters for you today: One from a Mr. Calloway and one from a Mr. IQ.
Jeff: Why, thank you, Mr. McGreenly!
*Mr. McGreenly curtly nods, then leaves. Jarrett turns back to the camera.*
"This letter from Mr. IQ is probably who I have to pin for my new promotion. But we'll just open that later. Right now, I'm going to read Mr. Calloway's letter...
Dear General Jarrett,
I really enjoy your neighborhood! I like how you go to Pretendville and teach moral lessons! I also like how you visit various places and teach us about them, like that meth lab! But still, I have a very serious problem: About two years ago, I thought I stole your soul, but you're still alive. How come?
Your biggest fan,
Marcus Calloway
"Well Marcus, you sure do think that! Say, that reminds me of something that happened recently in Pretendville. Let's go see, shall we?"
*A bullet train now flies by on the train track in the background as we fade to "Pretendville." Here, we see a variety of puppets, all who sound a little like Jeff Jarrett disguising his voice poorly.*
Killer Bob: King March, I don't like you!
King March: Oh silly Killer Bob, we all like you though.
Killer Bob: Well, that's it! I'm stealing your soul.
King March: But you can't.
Killer Bob: Really?
King March: Really.
*The train flies back out of Pretendville, bringing us back to good ol' General Jarrett.*
"So you see little Marcus, you can't steal my soul. Maybe you should learn to play nicely, like Killer Bob did when he bought that nuke from a rogue former Soviet nation. But that's another story, ha ha ha!
"Well, it looks like our time's about out, boys and girls. Remember: Never abuse Michael Cole, even if you do have the Extreme title. Goodbye!"
THIS MESSAGE WAS PAID FOR BY THE ONE MAN ARMY. USE SOAP!
*We cut back to the match...*
Jim Ross: What a turn of events! I guarantee you will never again see anything like that ending, even if we replay it! And I doubt we do! Goodnight, fans!
